Coping with regression in a 4yo
Life with my 4.5 yr old daughter has been particularly challenging lately. My usually independent child has been acting more like a 1 year, wanting me to feed and dress her, to take her to the toilet, refuses to do anything I ask of her and instead lays on the ground complaining about how tired she is (I wonder where she’s heard that excuse?!). Its hard not to get frustrated when I have other tasks to do, including caring for her younger sister and trying run a household, a business and work part-time. Her separation anxiety has piqued again and makes drop offs to my mums house a massive ordeal. I find myself having a ‘pushing-away’ energy, wishing she would go back to that cooperative child that made life with a 4 yr old rather easy, but I know this attitude towards her will only exacerbate how she is behaving. Instead, I consider what is leading to this behaviour.
Firstly we moved house a couple months ago, a huge deal for kids. She has seen me very tired and stressed and has picked up on this energy. She also sees that her 2 yo sister gets a lot of ‘omg she’s so cute’ attention from family and strangers, the attention she used to get. When her sister was born she really struggled with being ‘dethroned’, and our relationship also struggled as I was learning to be a mother of two, and my protective instincts over her baby sister were so strong it caused her to feel unsafe and ‘bad’ at times. We did a lot to heal her back then, and I know I need to do the same again now. She confirmed my beliefs about why she is acting this way when she woke up this morning and happily told me that she dreamt that we smashed down our house and moved back to our old house. She doesn’t know what her unconscious is saying, but I do. She wants things to be back they way they were…
I am aware that this behaviour is a call for connection. Due to my own stress and exhaustion, I haven’t been as emotionally available to her. As her primary attachment figure, this emotional unavailability has lead to her hyperactivating (turning up) her attachment needs. She has learned that intensifying her attachment needs get the attention she wants from me and is now using this as a strategy to get her emotional and connection needs met. For someone that doesn’t see their child in this way, but instead sees an annoying, whinging child, may continue to affirm this pattern of behaviour, or turn their hyperactivation of attachment needs into deactivation (turning down) in which they learn mama isn’t responsive so I need to rely on myself, which is equally damaging in the long run. I see the errors in my ways and am now correcting them.
I also know it can be normal for children of her age to engage in baby talk, and regress, particularly after accomplishing developmental milestones. Its like she becomes so independent she becomes afraid she doesn’t need me and reverts back into a child who does. Of course this can be frustrating but if we can indulge these feelings, we can help them resolve them. One way to do this is through Regression games, a type of Attachment Play. When she acts like a baby, I take her in my arms like a baby and cuddle her, sing to her, play with her toes and rock her like I did when she was a newborn. By symbolically returning to babyhood, I know she can feel secure and loved while gaining confidence to move back toward independence. And of course, remembering its a phase and will pass, definitely helps. Another thing I do is talk about her as a baby, and look at baby pictures of her often. I tell her about herself when she was her little sisters age, confirming that she got what her sister gets, and much more.
Other types of Attachment play that are also helpful are power reversal games to alleviate feelings of powerlessness and nonsense play to encourage laughter which is anxiety reducing, helps reduce tension and anger. And most importantly for me, I am compassionate with myself for the mistakes I make. I am not perfect and struggle to be the parent I want to be when I don’t get the time to look after myself first. But a few deep breaths, and remembering what my child is actually experiencing underneath the challenging behaviour helps me to come back to compassion for her, and see her needs rather than her behaviour.
Peace
xx