Mother Rage
The anger no one talks about.
If you’ve experienced mother rage, you will know it. I’m sure it was at a time when you really needed your child to sleep but they wouldn’t. Taking the last of what you have when all you need is rest. When you’re at the end of your tether but they still need you to hold them, care for them, soothe them. When YOU really need to be held, cared for and soothed yourself. I still remember the first time I felt it. It came out of nowhere while my infant daughter cried and cried when she should have been asleep. I was rocking her and found myself rocking her a little too hard, squeezing her a little too tight, tears rolling down my face as I begged, growled, sobbed “just go to fucking sleep!”. The anger I felt in that moment was like nothing I’d ever experienced before, and I realised this is why we are warned not to ‘shake the baby’. I remember thinking while pregnant, how could anyone shake a baby? How could anyone have ANY ill feelings towards a baby. And as a mental health professional I NEVER thought I’d have feelings like that. So when I experienced these irrational feelings I felt ashamed! Like I had failed as a mother. Then I realised that mother rage can affect ANYONE. And I remembered the advice… put your baby down and walk away. Take some deep breaths and go back to soothe them. They will be ok for 30 seconds while you compose yourself. With compassion.
Then there was mothering a toddler. I am (now) not ashamed to admit I’ve had urges to hit my child when they were being incredibly difficult, as I know these feelings are common when depleted. I know that its OK to feel this way, but NEVER to act on it. I am also guilty of air boxing the back of my child’s head in a moment of rage. Though I don’t like to direct that energy toward them, if it gets to this point I know I need to do something about all the feelings building up inside of me.
As mothers we literally have the weight of the world on our shoulders. So much responsibility, more so if you are parenting consciously, implementing all the knowledge now available about how to raise emotionally and physically healthy kids. And when you have had a difficult childhood yourself, you are working harder to create a better childhood for your own children, and this easier said than done. Often you are rubbing up against your own wounds as you give your child something you longed for when you were young. Allowing their emotions instead of shutting them down. Holding them when they ask even though you need space. And when the shit builds up, with so many competing needs, and yours coming last, it has no where to go. We are literally the dumping ground for our children’s emotions, as we hold a safe space, a safe container for them to unload into. But who does that for us?
Many women speak about the isolation of motherhood, unable to catch up with friends who’s children have different nap times, or are just so busy mumming they don’t have the time to spend with friends like they used to. Our social circles are diminished. Our partners can help but sometimes that’s not who you need to unload to. We’ve all seen the memes about mothers who drink, a coping mechanism for all the stress of raising small children with incessant demands. But how can we be a safe container for our kids if our container is full of our own unprocessed emotions? If we are FULL of one thing, on top of another and another, there is NO ROOM to fit in another meltdown from our kids. And instead of holding space, we spill over our own emotions and YELL at them rather then supporting them through it. Although self care just seems to be the latest trend, its actually a necessity. We need to release, we need to UNLOAD all that shit were holding for ourselves and everyone else.
What I have found is that I need to schedule in time to feel my feelings. And this rarely what I actually WANT to do when I finally have a spare moment, but need to do. It’s all too easy to grab the wine or chocolate when the kids are finally asleep and watch mindless TV or scroll through social media until your eyes are heavy and your mind blank. But these are all distractions from our feelings. Yes they may be a reward for making it through yet another day of relentless parenting, but it won’t make the next day any better. Holding space for your OWN feelings, creating a safe container for yourself, is what will help release the pressure valve, calm the brewing volcano, ease the tumultuous seas within you. And allow space for your children in the container that is their mother.
For me there are a few things I have found that help. First is meditation. Empyting my mind, connecting to my true essence (not that of a slave like mother!), and connecting into a higher energy incredibly comforting. Often tears arise as I hand over my worries, my pain, my depletion to the universe. I ask for my energy to be restored and that I am held in the hard times. Secondly, I use music to support this process. I prefer emotive music to stir up emotions in me, to create the space for me to express them. Sometimes my body feels called to dance, as my physical body needs to release the energy it has stored while trying to hold my shit together throughout the day (or week!). Emotion is energy in motion, and moving the body can be a great form of release. This includes exercise if this is your preference.
Thirdly, looking after my physical body. Making sure I rest when I need to, and eat nourishing food. Our gut and mental health go hand in hand so if you aren’t eating well, you’re not going to feel well. If you don’t feel well, you’re unlikely to mother well. Looking after yourself while you’re busy looking after littles can sometimes be really challenging. I find myself using the kids as an excuse… I can’t cut up veges when they won’t let me put them down to use both hands. I can’t use the juicer because they are scared of the sound of it. Well, where there is a will, there is a way. Planning ahead, cutting up veg the night before, or buying pre-cut veg, there is always a solution.
And lastly, of course, time to do the things that you know fill your cup. That may be hitting the dance floor with some friends, or going for a walk along the beach alone, reading a book in a cafe, taking up hobbies. Asking others to watch your kids so you can have some time to yourself is not selfish, its self-full, and a skill mums need to learn. You can’t be expected to do it all without a little help.
So mama, I want to assure you that you’re not alone. Mother rage is something that so many women feel, yet so many women don’t talk about. Maybe its because they fear being judged by others? Maybe it scared the shit out of them and they feel ashamed? Have you felt this way? What do you do when these feelings arise? Lets open a conversation about this and normalise talking about all the emotions motherhood stirs up.
Peace xx
Sarah
