Introverted Mother
I found myself feeling guilty again, as I lay in my bed with a book while my youngest napped and my 4yo watched TV on her own. Am I a bad mum? Why don’t I use this time for some lovely 1 on 1 time doing an activity together? The truth is, I’m so tired I just want to be alone and not listen to anybody talk or ask anything of me for an hour. And then it hit me… I’m an introvert! So of course I’m going to crave alone time.
See introverts NEED alone time in order to restore their energy, whereas extroverts NEED to be around other people to restore their energy. This got me thinking about all the other introverted mothers out there and wondering if they feel like I do? A quick google search showed that YES! This is a common experience. This realisation has helped me to have less guilt about meeting my needs. I already knew that if my needs were being met I was a better mother, and I am getting better at asking for help and scheduling in alone time. Now I can just have less guilt about it.
Realising my needs as an introverted mother, made me wonder about extroverted mothers. Are these the ones that experience extreme loneliness if they aren’t able to socialise? That are always scheduling play dates and catch ups? While I enjoy catch ups, I am often left feeling drained and needing alone time. However, this absolutely depends on the friends and how much of your energy they consume. Many catch ups can also be cup-filling.
There are many days that I have this distinct feeling of wanting to run away from my kids, which is confusing when I love them so much, and will do anything for them. I also have a FIFO partner so there are weeks I get no alone time except for when the kids are asleep. I’ve noticed that the more I retreat from them, the more they seek me out. But there are a few things that definitely help me AND my children get our needs met:
ATTACHMENT PLAY
You know when your children are feeling disconnected from you (and you from them) as you will have less eye contact, more whining and negative behaviours (attention seeking), and you’ll feel overcrowded by them as they will do anything to feel connected to you, including acting up. Any attention is good attention to little kids, even if its negative attention. Also, I know when the connection between my kids and I is weak, because I FEEl the distance between us, and I know they do too. Attachment play is play that builds connection. It involves eye contact, being on their level, lots of smiling and physical contact. Making sure your child feels seen, and loved for all that they are. There are a few different types of attachment play, that involve your child leading the play. The good thing is, just 10-20 minutes of this play a day can be enough to fill their cup, allowing them the capacity for individual play (depending on age) and some breathing space for mama.
ROUTINES/SCHEDULING
When a child knows what to expect, it helps them feel more secure. Intentionally setting up a daily routine will create a rhythm that your child can follow, which helps to create some calm for them, and for you. If your child is old enough, a weekly planner with pictures of what the day will entail will help to set up expectations for the day/week and makes sure everyone is on the same page. It also allows for including down time, and time that mama gets to meet her own needs.
I hope this alleviates some guilt for other introverted mothers out there, because I know you exist! You are not alone! You just need to BE alone sometimes. I hear you, I see you, solidarity mama. Let me know if this hits home for you.
Peace,
Sarah xx
