The Importance of Rupture and Repair in the Parent Child Relationship
“The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places” – Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms.
A rupture is an event or experience that affects the relationship with the child, usually caused by the parent. Parents are humans, we are not perfect. We can all succumb to the pressures of long days with boisterous kids, and lose our patience, yell or get angry. I think its important to realise that the reason we get upset often isn’t because of the kids; its because our own cup isn’t full. We’re tired, we have our own internal stuff going on, we’re triggered because of our own experiences as children, or learned patterns from our own parents. It is OK to make a mistake in front of your child, as long as you can acknowledge it, talk about it, and own it, and apologise. Healthy development involves making mistakes and learning from them. The key to healthy psychological development isn’t avoiding ruptures, it’s making appropriate repairs.
Reparations require us to swallow our pride, put our needs aside for a moment and consider how our child just experienced us, and how they may be feeling. It means making sincere apologies, at eye level, using touch or cuddling to reconnect, or engaging with them through play. It’s about choosing to connect with them rather trying to teach or correct them, or talk them out of their fears. Listen to them, validate their concerns, because even if it seems silly to you, it means ALOT to them. Join them in their world and try to see it from their point of view. If a child feels seen, heard, accepted, validated, appreciated, and loved – THIS is what will not only set them on a good psychological trajectory, but will also create strong and lasting bonds between you and them.
Ruptures are inevitable. These interactions happen in every household, many times a day. If we strive to avoid ruptures by trying to be perfect, we’d be setting our child up for disappointment in a rather imperfect world! Rupture and repair is actually a positive learning experience. It shows children that good things can follow bad things and they develop more secure attachment as a result. We can teach them that mistakes are normal, and infact a healthy part of relationships. In these interactions they can develop a resilient sense of self that is not afraid to make mistakes.
Furthermore, a child’s experience of their caregiver will shape their sense of self. And the way we speak to them will become their inner voice. If a young child has positive interactions with their caregiver, they can see their caregiver and themselves in a positive light. If interactions are negative, the child will experience their caregiver and themselves as negative.
At age 36, I have just had yet another ‘rupture’ with my mother, that has gone unrepaired. Another unresolved fight that she chooses to sweep under the rug by pretending it didn’t happen. Another fight that caused a rift that only gets bigger in the unconscious world between us without any opportunity to repair and heal. Deep down I know that my inner child, the little girl in me, needs her mama to say “I’m sorry those words I said hurt you, that wasn’t my intention, I’ve had a hard day and its not your fault, can you forgive me?”. But my mother rarely apologises, and I’ve had to learn to accept that. I wonder about her reasons, and I can imagine many – pride, guilt, shame – stemming from her own childhood issues. But as a comparison, this rupture occurred during a particularly tough parenting week for myself, where I needed to repair a few ruptures with my nearly 3 year old. I was tired, solo parenting a baby and a toddler with a FIFO husband can really take it out of me. When I’m tired, I’m easily triggered. I can’t take all the whining, crying, persistent requests of a 3 year old when I’m trying to parent from an empty cup. I know that yelling at her to stop asking for things she can’t have, and telling her to stop crying when she doesn’t get her way is not helpful, in fact can actually be damaging to her. When I’ve had a moment to gather myself, I can apologise for yelling, explain that its just because I’m tired and not because of her.
I learned to apologise as a child. I learned to apologise to my parents ALOT. What makes me cringe, is that now I realise that I was made to apologise to them for THEIR triggers. And when a child is made out to be wrong or bad, over time this message gets internalised as “I’m bad” which creates low self-esteem. I am so careful to OWN my reactions and not allow my child to feel that my anger is her fault. Because my emotions are my responsibility. And it is my job to help her co-regulate by sharing my calm with her, not my storm.
Peace xx
