What Buddhism has taught me…
Of all the books I’ve read since becoming a mother, none have struck a chord as much Sarah Napthali’s Buddhism for Mothers. I’ve read the first two of the three books, aimed at different ages – babies, young children and older children. Every night I’d read for only a few minutes before falling asleep, but always took away some insight that was helping me not only be a better mother, but a better person too. Buddhism just resonates with me. There are a number of principles that I would teach or apply in counselling practice without realising there were core tenets of Buddhism. I am just a beginner, but plan on learning more about the Buddhist way of life. Here’s what I am working on applying to my life so far:
Impermanence
Everything and everyone is changing all the time. Nothing lasts, so why let it bother you? This includes your child’s tantrums, your negative emotions, bad days etc. Everything is inherently transient in nature, and when we can trust this, its helps us to stop dwelling in difficult moments and allow them to come and go with ease.
All thoughts and feelings are transitory. They arise only to fall away. If we can learn to witness our thoughts without judgement, and simply allow emotions to be, you will see that they come to be processed and then leave. Obviously if something devastating happens, you’re going to have a load of feelings that are important for processing your experiences. This is not about suppressing emotions! Rather, recognising the transitory nature of all things; remembering that what you’re feeling won’t last.
Non-Attachment
In Buddhism, it is recognised that all suffering exists because of attachment. Attachment to some outcome that hasn’t happened, or a desire for something that you need in order to feel happy. A better job, bigger house, more money, a new husband (lol). The moment we try to cling to something that brings us happiness, is the moment we invite suffering, as nothing we strive for will bring us enduring happiness. But what about self/life improvement? Surely we can still strive for a better job/career/house etc. Yes, but not if your happiness depends on it. This is the difference between desiring and aspiring.
Non-attachment can be tough, particularly in motherhood. Like when you’re child is driving you mad asking for things they can’t have, or being their lovely defiant little selves, and you just wish they would listen! Or when you’re sleep deprived and your baby isn’t sleeping, and all you want is your baby to sleep! I can find myself attached to them being or doing what I want them to, but the moment I release my attachment to them being a certain way and stop wishing for things/them to be different, I feel myself calm. Sometimes though, this recognition doesn’t change how I feel, but it does help me understand my suffering. Then I remember impermanence and realise my baby will sleep soon, or my children are going through a phase that will be over before I know it.
I like what Napthali writes when applying non-attachment to family life:
“Accepting the inevitability of chaos and imperfection can relieve us of some of our frustrating efforts to make family life problem-free. It also relieves us of the pressure to be a perfect mother. Family relationships can improve when we remove the need for family members to be flawless , and when we accept that problems and human flaws are a part of the package”.
We cannot try to impose any lasting order on our lives, as no such thing exists.
Non-judgemental Awareness
If we get stuck evaluating everything, we’ll make ourselves miserable, as more often than not, we will evaluate in the negative. If we evaluate thoughts (or anything for that matter) as negative, we are more likely to ruminate and create suffering. When we can ‘get out of our own way’ and stop evaluating everything, we can surrender to the joy inherent in many things that life presents us. When we have openness and curiosity towards an object or person – we can find beauty in the ordinary, and this is my definition of bliss.
I’m prone to judgement. I even judge myself for judging. But I recognise; 1. Its human nature to judge 2. My negative judgements are a result of a lot of negativity around me during childhood that has created a judgemental inner voice. I am learning to just witness the judgements without judging them, and simply choose another perspective. Over time this has got easier.
I began to notice how my constant evaluation of everything was robbing me of joy. I have high standards of myself and everything around me, and become attached to how I would like something to be, rather than accepting things as they are. For example, I love a good massage, but loathe a bad one. If the masseuse isn’t reading my mind and massaging me just right, I can ruin the whole experience wishing I had a different masseuse. Knowing this about myself, I recently went into a massage with the intention to enjoy being touched, however they offered that to me. I noticed the negative evaluating thoughts try to creep in, then I changed my perspective to imagining I was a puppy who looooved to be touched, and my god! It shifted the whole experience! I enjoyed each touch so much more, and in whole it was one of the best massage experiences I’ve ever had. How powerful a perspective shift can be!
Presence and Mindfulness
Getting lost in our thoughts takes us away from the present moment. Stuck ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, we are robbed of the freedom that is the present. We’ve all heard that meditation is the best way to increase our intimacy with the present, but many people attempt meditation and can get frustrated when they can’t empty their minds, or stop thinking. You will still have thoughts, but its about compassionately coming back to stillness that is the practice. Meditation is just like playing an instrument – you can’t just pick it up and do it, you need to practice it.
As a mother of small children, it can be hard to find the time to sit and meditate, but we can incorporate mindfulness into anything we do. We can make every moment an opportunity for practice – cleaning up practice, driving practice, listening practice, holding space for our child’s emotions practice – by choosing to remain present and soak in this exact moment. If I go for a walk, it set the intention to be truly present, creating a walking meditation. I see the trees, I hear the birds, I notice the little things, like the flowers blooming in my neighbours garden, the laughter of the kids at the playground, the leaves all over the ground… and this non-judgemental awareness of my surroundings creates a sense of inner peace, bliss and gratitude. And then the kids start whinging to get out of the pram and I’m snapped back to reality haha. But that’s just another opportunity to practice.
If you’re a parent, you will certainly understand how your children call you into the present moment. In our busy, fast paced lives, we often live in our heads, thinking about what we need to do next, or caught up in mind stories, taking us away from truly being with our babies. And they will sense it. You’ll notice their behaviour turns as they try to get your attention – to get your connection – back to them, to the present moment. Calling me to snap back, wake up, log out, put down, forget about everything else for a moment and connect back to the vitality of the moment. My children have truly been my biggest teachers of presence.
I love this little perspective shift that Napthali mentions in her second book Buddhism for Mothers of Small Children – Imagine that you are dropping in on your life for a moment – and seeing your life for the first time. What is it like? How do you feel? What do you notice? Just like when travelling to a new country, we tend to pay closer attention, do the same for your life and be curious and open to the wonder of it… For me, I always feel more grateful and in awe of my life when I have this perspective shift.
Meditation
My soul has been calling me to meditate for years! Like over 15 years. But I’m not a very consistent person and would start and stop… but always felt the benefits when I did meditate. At first I preferred to meditate in a room with other people. I feed off collective energies and would experience a deeper practice. Until one time someone was breathing so loud I couldn’t meditate at all! I now know that was a lesson to deepen my practice! But since becoming a mother, the calling to meditate has got stronger, as I have needed a space to release all the burdens and just be, grounding myself in the present moment. And getting out of the house alone is nearly impossible, so I will find any moment I can to sit. I’m not one to choose anything over sleep, so I don’t get up before my babies (they are early risers as it is), so I will grab a moment when I can. I don’t place huge expectations on myself, careful not to create a ‘chore’ out of it, but rather see it as an act of self love.
For example, earlier this week I was weeding the yard at dusk while my 2 year old daughter ran laps around me, when I felt the call to meditate. I stopped and sat eyes closed, soaking in the dwindling day, the sounds of dusk and my daughter calling “mummy” over and over. I still responded to her, she just wanted some eye contact, then went on her own merry way finding pieces of lavender to stuff into my hands while I sat. I got a whole 3 minutes but I felt the effects instantly. I was able to get into the vortex straight away – likely because I was already so grounded in nature – and when I did open my eyes, the colours around me seemed more defined, everything appeared more beautiful, and I felt totally blissed out. Then my daughter goes to sit by the fence and tells me she is ‘doing meditation’ too. What a beautiful example to set for our children.
But why meditate? For me its to calm my mind, to switch from ‘fight or flight’ into accepting what we cannot change, and to release me from the grip of negative emotions, in particular mother rage. When we can cultivate more wholesome mind states like compassion, patience, presence and contentment through meditation, we can more readily access them in our daily life.
But mostly, for me, meditation is a chance to reconnect to my higher self, source energy and the wisdom within. See, I have a habit of seeking help and validation externally. I’m always looking for some counsellor or practitioner who can ‘fix’ me. But one night, while laying in meditation, I noticed my thoughts drift to ‘who can I see to help me with x’ and a loud voice came through – “all that you seek is already inside you!” It was a lightbulb moment, like aah, I knew that, but I’d forgotten it! What my higher self was telling me was to keep meditating, as all the answers we seek, we already have. We just need to go inward. When we can get out of our own way, connect to ourselves and source energy, we open up to the wisdom that resides within us. Therefore emptying the mind of needless chatter, judgements, criticisms etc is important, but for me that doesn’t mean stopping all thought. When I empty my mind, it allows space for wisdom, the knowledge I already hold, to surface. This probably isn’t traditional Buddhist meditation, but it is a function of meditation that has helped me feel more connected to myself and to source, and therefore everything around me.
Loving Kindness
When I’m stuck in a bad mood and find myself angry or blaming others, this is a great way to snap me out of it. Loving Kindness meditation, or Metta, is the practice of first sending love to yourself, then to a loved one, then to someone neutral, and then to someone you find difficult to love. Then the meditation is finished by sending love to all human beings.
May I be happy
May I be safe
May I be free from suffering
May I live my life with ease
May I have joy in my heart
This is a beautiful practice to increase feelings of love, joy and compassion, which will not only make you feel better, but will make you into a better person. I’m a terrible road rager, like its my opportunity to pour out all my frustrations at someone who can’t hear or see my anger – therefore not hurting them with it, right? But it still hurts me, and now with little kids in the car, it hurts them. When my 2 year old said to me one day “mummy why did you say fuck at the car” it was a big wake-up call! So now, I try to practice loving kindness. If someone cuts me off, I send them love. And we can apply this anytime, anywhere, just for the sake of spreading love. Send love to the checkout chick, send love to the old guy walking his dog, send love to the grumpy sales clerk. Why not spread more love? Love is so much more powerful than hate, and much better for our karma, and our world.
Peace xx
